actually.......

I often say the word "actually" in my head, whenever I change my walking direction
This is to justify the embarrassing fact that I wasn't a robot like everyone else. I stepped out of line. I did something different.
"Actually, I'm going to go this way."
"actually.. "
My head does a really good job at working against me lately. Especially the thoughts I tell myself late at night or early in the morning. I can't ever justify those. These are the thoughts that control my motives, the thoughts that bring regret halfway through the midday.
I'm getting so independent. The sweatshirt I wore in high school, thinking I was doing something at being part of a style, but yet looking like I didn't care at all, said this same phrase.
"actually... I'm independent."
I fear for the moment when I can actually let someone in on my independence. But it's not the moment they actually break through that I fear, it's the skyscraper mountains they will have to tear through to get there.
I'll fight back.
I don't necessarily like my independence, but I have no choice. That leads to complacency. Which leads to death.
I don't have to care about the rules. Or the games.
When they creep up on me, I say "actually" and turn my body around to start walking in the opposite direction.


-bw